This is not a sad post. It’s a vent post, I think. I’ve seemed to get caught up in the fact that I don’t have freedom. I know, every brown girl on this nation complains about it, but seriously, it’s not as annoying to us as it may be to everyone who has the freedom to go out with friends, go watch a movie, shop together. I am constantly, constantly sent with someone who bodygurards me. I’m not rich, so no not a male hunk who is undercover. My mom, she has to be sent with me everywhere. And I love my mom, she is probably the most understanding individual out there. She treats me with respect, but there are days she is the most annoying person ever. But who’s mom isn’t really? Back to freedom. I finally at the age of 16.5 was given the oppuritunity to do a project at my friends house. Then, I was able to go to two friends birthday’s without a problem. But then those sudden oppuritunities ended, and I’m locked in my house again. I want to be able to leave the house without having to convince him to let me go. He doesn’t understand how difficult it is to be closed from the rest of the world. I don’t want to be the kind of kid who lies, who manipulates her way out. I want sincere freedom, freedom that will be handed to me, because I deserve it, not because I complain for it.
I suddenly feel really wanted. Not by a guy, ha that’ll be the funniest thing I hear in a long time. Anyway, by my friends I mean. Not by a couple of them or all of them, just one. She for some reason has gotten so close to me, it’s ridiculous. I love her. She’s beyond wonderful. I am going shopping with her tomorrow, for her vegas trip next week. UBER excited to see if I can find a pair of sunglasses that will suit me, YESS! That is it for now. Sad venting later, if I’ve got any :)
It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. To be honest I think this was upsetting me more than making me feel better. I really enjoy writing, but not about things that bother me because that causes me to think of things that upset me. Right now, I should be working on my Enlish paragraph, but I for some odd reason am not motivated whatsoever. It’s not really even that difficult. My professor on the other hand though should actually bother to explain the assignment a little better, because I end up pondering over things that shouldn’t really matter. But then again, how am I suppose to know if he’s an idiot.
Today’s been an alright day, I mean I did wonderful on my first assignment with Genni and woohoo, it makes me happy. I really enjoy the company of my fellow classmates and damn there is this one girl who just gets on my nerves. She thinks too highly of herself, and it really confuses me. No one in the class talks the way she does, or insults the way she does. No one actually insults anyone but her.
I don’t know, she’s stupid and getting on every single nerve of mine.
On the brighter side, my classmates really liked my screen play idea and I got some awesome feedback on how to make it better, and there is one person who has experience in all this and he told me, “you have a solid story throughout”. That made my day a whole lot better.
I guess besides that, nothing seems to be bothering or entertaining me today. So I guess its a goodnight for now.
I am having such a hard time losing weight. It’s stupid how hard this is. I hate that I have this belly hanging off of me. I don’t want to go back to looking like I did in elementary school. It’s so hard. I don’t want to be self concious when I go out, or even just go shopping for groceries. It’s so hard to eat little and be alive for school. I HATE IT! I’m having such a hard time. I found this link on youtube about a healthy plan and its only 51 Canadian dollars and I’m going to convince my mother to let me get it. I’ll pay for it myself, because I know that the only way I can get this gross belly weight off me, is to eat properly and STILL be awake the entire day and do my homework. It’s horrible what I’ve done to myself. It DOES NOT WORK trying to count calories. I don’t know what to tell myself. I need to convince my mom, I have to.
Look at my faces shape, I want to look like the left photo again. I’m fat, and I want to be skinny again. I hate this. I HATE IT. I want to be healthy when I do it, and I really wish my parents would let me go to the gym. Or buy me a treadmill, but they aren’t going to. They can’t afford to buy me a treadmill, and my dad thinks I’m going to get raped at the gym. But if you think about it, I’m ugly and really fat so who the fuck would rape me. AGH. I need get exercise and schools getting in the way of that. I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. My hips are getting bigger, my but big is fine, but my face is rounder, my arms are bigger, my boobs are still fucking small. My belly is sticking out. NOTHING LOOKS GOOD ON ME. I’m miserable. But I know if I get dedicated once, I will be fine. I just need time. I NEED SCHOOL TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOR NOW :( :’(
After finally losing weight, and being considered ‘thin’, I’ve gained it all back. I think its time I stop eating junk food again. Like literally. No chips, cookies, candy, hot dogs, chocolates, anything. All I’m going to eat is a fruit in the morning, no lunch, come home from school and have a sandwich, or soup and a small bowl of rice or a small bowl of daal/sabzi. And exercise everyday. EVERYDAY. I’m going to do this, until I lose weight. Its the only way. Then no one will call me fat. Or tell me I’ve got big hips, or a belly, or my face is big. I’m tired of always being ‘big’.
There are SOO many things that piss me off lol, you are one of them.
I finally got to bed and the first thing that popped into my head was his stupid face. Why won’t my brain let go of him, or even my heart. I’m stuck here hoping I’ll get over him, I really want to. And then my brain did a stupid thing.
I dreamed of him all night, the entire night. Apparently, my mom had allowed him to come into my room, while I laid in my bed, listening to my music. He walked in and smiled. I got up and frowned. “Hi,” he said. I just looked at him, wondering why he was here, HOW he was here. “Can we talk?” I just looked at him, “what’s there to talk about? You finished everything, you have no right to ask me to talk.” He sat down on the edge of my bed, and stared. I looked away, my heart beating, my eyes filling with tears. Don’t do this to yourself, Gagan. It’s not worth it. “Gagan,” he said. I looked back, tears streaming down my face, my heart about to tear out of my skin, “what?” “Just let me explain, I..” I cut him off, “NO, you cannot explain, you can’t be here, you are NOT allowed to be here, leave!” I was crying, I hated that I was crying in front of him. He wasn’t allowed to see me like this. “I,” and before I could ask him to stop, he was inches away from me, I could feel him breathe. He was so close, and all he was doing was staring at a stupid girl. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I got up in anger, “why are you here?! No one asked you to be here, this is my room, leave, I can’t be around you. Okay, look at what you’ve made me. I’m stupid and messed up and my heart beats when I see you, I don’t want it to beat when I see you, I want to kill myself. Leave, I don’t want feelings for you, I want NOTHING from you. Leave…” I cried. “Gagan, I..” and I began to walk away. He suddenly pulled me by the arm back into bed, only a few inches away from him. My heart was taking over me, I felt weak, and he was so close, “Let go of me,” I whispered, “You can’t be -” He gave me my first kiss. He let go of my hand, his hand around my neck. I had never felt like this before, and then I pulled away. “Why are you here?” I asked. I began to cry again, because I wish he hadn’t said he was joking, because I wish that I could accept that he was the first to let me experience anything, because me made me feel more than anyone could ever make me feel. “Your mom said I could come in, so I did and I’ve been waiting to do that.” I got up and walked away, but even then he didn’t leave, he followed me into my bathroom, and held onto me. Didn’t say a word.
I woke up with tears on my face. It was a dream, it would never be more than a dream. And it’s nothing I want, it’s nothing I can have. Not with him, I don’t want him.
Dear brain and heart, stop this misery.